I'm loving it!

So I was watching an old episode of ER today.  It was night shift, crazy busy, more people in the waiting room than beds in the department, and half of those in the department were already sorted but waiting to have a bed found for them on  ward.  Sounds very familiar I thought!!  During the episode Dr Greene (the boss doctor) takes equipment and medicines and nursing help with medical student Carter into the waiting room.  Over the next number of hours of their shift they work their way through the masses, treating and streeting as they go.  Helping the patients quickly and efficiently without bureaucracy.  Before this happened Dr Greene had had an argument with a physician on the wards about not being able to admit a lady as her insurance wouldn't cover it.

'Tonight was great.  The waiting room.' Carter says to Dr Greene.  'When I started med school, that's what I thought it would be like.  Really helping people.  At least that's what I thought it was supposed to be.'
'That is what it's supposed to be.' Replies Dr Greene.  'What are you gonna do today Carter?'
'I don't know.....'

Now in actual fact Dr Greene was actually asking Carter simply what he was going to do during the day before his next shift, but something made me think then and there that Dr Greene was asking a deeper question of Carter......'Are you sure you want to do surgery?'  Is the question I'm sure was lurking in the back of Dr Greene's mind.

In the series Carter starts off as a medical student and dreaming of being a surgeon.  In the episode before what happens above, he gets his residency match for surgery at the hospital - what he's wanted all along, to be a surgical trainee after finishing med school.  But over the last number of episodes, maybe even from the beginning of series 1 you can see that Carter does not have the typical surgeons personality.  He is constantly told he spends too much time with patients, and wants to know the whole patient, not just the bit that needs to be cut out!  It's even clearer in the night shift episode I just watched that Carter is buzzing from his shift, and loves that he has made a difference.  You can also tell that Dr Greene has seen that Carter would make an excellent ER doctor.

I see much of myself in Carter now.  When I originally watched ER years ago, I never really related to any of the characters -  apart from how hot I thought Kovac was - hehehe!!!  But now I completely relate to Carter.  He originally wanted to do surgery and was on that path.  He then realises ER is what he wanted all along after doing a year of surgical residency.  He makes the change, and although ER is still hard work, he enjoys it so much more than surgery.

Back to the familiar scenario of crazy numbers of patients to deal with.  Yesterday evenings shift was so similar.  It was crazy.  To top it off I had 2 patients that I was looking after die.  I'm like Carter - I want to make a difference and help people get better.  But helping people is not necessarily helping them get better.  I actually did help those 2 patients that died, even though there was no medicine to be able to fix them.  They were comfortable.  I spoke with the families.  One of which was over the phone as she was 4 hours away.  She actually thanked me, and asked if I was all right!!!!  She said couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to phone relatives to tell them their loved one has died!!!!!!  I reassured her I was fine and it didn't feel anywhere near as bad as having to hear my loved one had died.....

....I lied to her.  I hated it, I cried, but only for a minute, because I had to get back out there and finish 5 hours of my shift.

Now reflecting on yesterdays shift, and many other similar shifts I have had, I know I did make a difference to each of my patients.  And guess what?  I LOVE IT.  I love my job, I would not change it for all the world.  I used to think that of orthopaedics, but only on the good days.  On the bad days, I used to think I would jack it all in and live on a tropical island making cocktails for a living.  But doing ED, even on the bad days, I still don't want to do anything else.

When you start doubting yourself, remember how far you've come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.

Live in a way that makes everything we do worship.

'This is your life.  Be bold with it.  Live it with energy and purpose in the direction that excites you.  Listen to your heart, look for your dreams: they are God-inspired.'  Bear Grylls