1.The phrase ‘I will flash you’ is no longer appropriate wording! (In Malawi it is the phrase used for miss calling someone on their mobile phone).
2.It is no rongel applopliate to intelchange the rettels ‘l’ and ‘r’ in wolds!
3.It is no longer acceptable to walk around the streets with no shoes on.
4.You can no longer buy any type of medication over the counter; prescriptions are needed for the harder drugs!
5.Azungu is no longer an acceptable word for a white person, they are just people.
6.You should no longer assume nurses will write out x-ray forms, blood forms, and put drips on patients – this is now a DOCTORS job!
7.No one will understand you if you say Zikomo, or Muli Bwanji?!
8.You cannot barter for a better price of tomatoes or onions!
9.It will no longer be acceptable to pray out loud for the patient about to undergo an operation or on the ward round.
10.On calls at night will consist of more than being able to sleep soundly in your bed without being disturbed because the nurses know what they are doing and only call the doctors for the real emergencies. It will be back to the days of ‘doctor? Shall I wake up the patient to give him his sleeping tablet?!’
11.People will understand you when you say Ta, eh up me duck, and nowt!
12.The thrice weekly scramble for the matches and candles at the 6pm power cuts will be put behind you.
13.The daily ritual of putting a tentative toe under the freezing shower before getting up the courage to stick your head under will also be put behind you.
14.Praying before even the shortest journey on public transport will no longer consist of ‘please get us there alive’ instead it will be more along the lines of ‘please get us there on time’!
15.You can no longer bribe a policeman with a bottle of water or a newspaper!
16.It is no longer acceptable to call your consultant boss by his first name.
17.It is no longer acceptable to sing worship and praise songs at the top of your lungs in theatre when operating; instead revered silence is insisted upon.
18.Reusing scrub gowns, and gloves will, from now, on get you killed by the infection control nurses.
19.On sending a patient to x-ray you no longer have time for a cup of tea and reading the paper whilst the radiographer develops the film by hand.
20.Showing your knees will no longer be the height of indecency, but showing your breasts will be!
21.Shrugging your shoulders and saying ‘TIA’ (This is Africa) is no longer an appropriate answer to why things are going wrong.
22.Shirts will no longer be lovingly washed by hand and ironed so well since the washing machine is not named Alfred and the owner of her shirts hates ironing!
23.Kids in clinic will no longer be petrified of the Azungu white doctor because he is told by villagers Azungu’s steal souls and doctors give big nasty injections!
24.Journeys on public transport will be free of chickens, goats, dried fish, and at least 5 people to every seat, oh and there is now NEVER room for one more!
25.Using the right hand indicator on the car as a warning for the car behind not to overtake as there is an oncoming car is no longer appropriate – it is used for telling people you are turning right only.
26.Not knowing that there is a dip function on your headlights and blinding every incoming car with full beams is now hugely impolite and quite frankly dangerous!
27.Stopping at a zebra crossing when there is a pedestrian on it is now law and not just an act of kindness.
28.They are now called traffic lights and not robots, and they will not be turned off at night to save power, and obeying them is NOT optional!
29.When the kettle leaks get a new one, do not just tape it up with gaffa tape and hope it will last another 3 months!
30.England is not Malawi and I will miss it :-(
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