Wow this is difficult. I am going to share with you all what I’ve not shared before – my doubts and struggles, which I know everyone else has but most times it seems like I’m alone in this struggle. I know however that that is just the Devil trying to stamp me down and doubt the existence of God in my life. Somehow I feel I have the courage to out this on my blog – weird how it feels easier to post this to a web page yet I couldn’t share it at house group this week or in the past with the closest of friends. God is really working hard in my heart at the moment! Please bear with me and pray for me as you read the following. I have been sitting for the past hour trying to decide whether to press the upload button or delete it all, but I am going to be brave and do it!
Over the past half a week or so, I’ve really been struggling with God’s purpose in my life. Which is strange, because for a good 5 years now I’ve been certain He wants me to be a medical missionary in Africa. I think this is still true, but the magnitude of it all has suddenly hit me. I’ve been asking myself (and God) – what am I doing here? Past thoughts and dreams have come to haunt me – I just want to settle down into a nice comfortable job in the NHS, have a family, and grow old in the comfort of England. With the work that God seems to have laid out before me – a life of travelling in strange countries providing medical care to those who need it most – am I ever going to have what I so desperately want, a family?
Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind – I have a plan for you, a plan to prosper and not to harm you. I really do believe this, but it is so hard when God’s plan doesn’t seem to coincide with what I want, especially when what I want is not sin, but everyday life for other Christians.
On Wednesday evening Psalm 91 popped into my head – I have no idea why apart from the fact it must have been from God. I had no idea what Psalm 91 said I couldn’t even remember whether I’d read that one before. I have never heard from God in this way before, the word was so clear in the midst of a prayer. What did I do? Yes I ignored it – I didn’t believe it was from God, so I went to bed still in turmoil. The next morning I got up late and missed the daily morning worship the hospital has but instead sat down with my own daily devotion (The Doctors Life Support 2). I don’t remember exactly what the days thought was about but God spoke again – Psalm 91. This time I read it:
He who dwells in the shelter of the most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.’....
.... ‘Because he loves me,’ says the Lord, ‘I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.’
WOW! God in one paragraph renewed my strength. I still don’t understand why God wants me, and why He loves me so much, but with all my strength and the little faith I have I WILL TRUST HIM, I know He only has good things for me and His way is the best. It is still hard to grasp this, even though I’ve been a Christian for 11 years now.
God is still speaking to me now (I know He always is, but don’t you think sometimes He just shouts at you because you are so thick not to hear His whisper?!) I am listening to Kathryn Scott’s live worship album, the current song is:
Found freedom from my sin
And still the road is narrow
Sometimes I fall and bad thoughts are on the way
But I know your grace is strong
And your mercy new each morning
So I’ll stay the course until the race is run
Jesus I will follow
Follow anywhere you lead
No turning back
I’ve tasted and I’ve seen
That you are like no other
You reached beyond my sin and rescued me
So forgetting what’s behind
Remembering your great mercy
I choose to run until I win the prize
Amen! :-)
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